“I want to be a professional athlete”.
These are the words that most children who start playing sports will say to their parents. Whether it’s just a collection of words that makes pretending to be your favorite player more realistic, or an actual goal that you’re setting for yourself, the fact that it motivates you enough to just play the game is a beautiful thing. Sports have an incredible ability to progressively mould you into the type of person you end up becoming, and the friendships and life lessons learned along the way can’t be replicated.
All of these great things come with a caveat however, as the farther along you go with a specific sport, the more you become mirrored in your identity with it. What exactly does that mean? Take for instance a Medical practitioner who dedicates their entire life towards becoming a Doctor. Whenever they start a conversation with somebody, they are mostly referred to as Doctor (or Doc) ahead of their name and the base of most conversations revolve around all things in their profession. Doctors are proud of achieving this status, and rightfully so, but when does said Doctor just want to be referred to as their off the clock selves and talk about Politics, Movies or Sports? Probably more than people realize. Now before you start to criticize, I’m not saying Athletes are like Doctors, or vice versa. Both have their place in being role models for society to look up to, and Doctors (along with all Medical professionals) should be admired for the heroes’ work they do. The reason I used this example is to illustrate the fact that anyone reading this probably knows a Doctor personally, and can absolutely remember at least one time where you saw them as a Doctor and not as the individual you know them to be outside of their profession. The same can be said in regard to athletes who achieve certain levels of whatever sport they play. The time invested into making the best version of themselves in their respective sports becomes more a part of their everyday routine than sleeping, eating, time with friends, etc. There’s an element of pride that comes with doing something only a handful of people in the world can do, and that’s why the sacrifices are made, and most athletes are happy to make them. All of this in mind, the Sport becomes who you are in lieu of what you do, and when people think of, refer to, and address you, they will more than likely identify you as “the Basketball guy” or “the Hockey girl”. And for a period of time, all of us who achieve that status really immerse ourselves into that role and enjoy every second of it.
But what happens when the game is no longer a part of your routine? What happens when the thing you identify with the most has you on the outside looking in? Well, the easiest way to explain it is to say it’s like finishing the final exam: There’s an intense sense of freedom with no longer having to worry about taking notes, going to the lectures, doing the group projects, and studying, but there’s also an incredible level of stress and adjustment until you see your final grade. That’s exactly what it’s like when you take the uniform off for the last time. All of the time you spent with games, practices, film study, workouts, nutritional seminars, etc, etc, etc is now yours to invest into family, friends, relationships, hobbies and work, and it really gives you a chance to reinvent yourself and invest your time in evolving as a person.
The hardest thing that comes with that is you’ve spent so long revolving your whole life around the Sport you love that you think it’s all you’ll know how to do well, and Athletes struggle with the transition in one way or another (whether they’ll admit it or not). The most asked question former Athletes pose to themselves is always “What now?”. Well, it’s not always as black and white as it may seem, and unfortunately some go down a very dark path because they can’t answer that question. Knowing when to let go is always the hardest thing to do, and that’s why EVERY athlete can remember their last game more vividly than any other game they’ve played. They remember the opposing team’s colours, the smell in the air, looking up at the scoreboard at the end of the game, and the last time they took that jersey off in the locker room. If you left the sport on your own terms, then it’s so much easier to move on to the next phase of your life and look back on the memories fondly, but the reality is a lot of athletes feel they have more to give when their number was called for the last time. And I get it, there a bunch of moments I look back on that could have ended differently, but when I drill down a little deeper, I find a sense of peace in knowing that no situation is ever perfect, and these moments were meant to challenge me to the point of always wanting a little more the next time.
It’s just as important to laugh about the failures and be proud of how you overcame them to get to where you eventually got to, but there are so many Athletes that will keep going back to the moments over and over again to the point of madness, and that’s why they can’t let go of the past. It ends up being such a Catch 22, because the drive and fire that pushed us to our limits on the field/arena/court is exactly what makes us successful in the workforce, but if you can’t channel those traits away from the game, then you end up in Sports Purgatory: where you have the passion, drive, and attitude to succeed on the field and have nowhere to use it. And that’s where being an overly aggressive parent or coach can creep in, because the passion you still have for the game needs to be released, and if the players you coach or parent don’t have it to the same level that you do, it gets unfairly put on their shoulders and pushes them away from the game altogether.
There are FOUR types of ex-athletes that you will encounter in your life, and they all have an identity issue with the Sport that they played.
- The “Unfinished Business” Athlete is someone who can’t let go of whatever Sport they were involved in, and no matter how long ago they stopped playing, they will always find ways to play or coach competitively and will always refer to their time as a player to anyone who will listen.
- The “I was good, but….” Athlete is someone who played Sports only because it was expected of them. They were good players, but completely write the game off as soon as they’re done playing.
- The “I worked hard to achieve everything I could” Athlete is someone who maximized every single shred of talent they had and made it to the highest level they could, and carry a positive passion for the game beyond their playing days and become great and supportive coaches or sports parents.
- The “I got everything I wanted out of Sports” Athlete is someone who achieved everything they set out to achieve with said Sport and will be just as happy to move on to the next chapter of their life as they will be to give back, but still look fondly on the Sport they played.
Why do I know as much about this as I do, you ask? Well, I’ve had the fortune of living in the Sports world my entire life and have come across everyone I have mentioned above. Speaking on a personal level, I was fortunate enough to achieve most of the goals I set for myself as a Football player going from High School to College and eventually finding myself playing in the pros with a defending Championship roster. To say that I have stories and fond memories would be a criminal understatement, and looking back on all these moments now, it’s always done with a smile and sense of satisfaction knowing that I got everything I needed out of the game that I had put so much into. And this is exactly why I now love to talk with anyone who brings up the “good ole days”.
But I can honestly say that in the moment, I could not understand why people would always refer to my Football ability and always revert back to Football as a part of our conversations, because I did so many other things that I was dying to talk about with anyone who would listen. At the end of these conversations, I would say to myself “I’m a good student in school. I’m a good employee at work. I have the best family in the world. Why doesn’t anyone want to talk about these things?” It was such a hard thing to wrap my mind around, and I was mentally exhausted from answering the same questions repeatedly. It was then I realized that I was mirrored in this identity, and I had become “the Football Guy”. Now don’t get me wrong, being looked at in a shiny light based on what I was doing at the moment became extremely addictive. Going to class, the gym, restaurants and having people notice you and even recognize you to a certain degree is very cool, believe me!
But when all of that stops because you’re no longer playing, you start to feel a sense of anxiety and depression if you’ve become too comfortable with that being your normal. So when athletes start their post playing careers, it’s so important to find that balance of creating a new identity for yourself while also maintaining all of the great qualities that made you excel in the Athletic world. In my case, being a little uncomfortable with the whole thing to begin with made it so much easier to move on and become the husband, father, son, brother and friend that I need to be for everyone around me.
So to all former athletes who have stepped away from playing, it’s ok to be a little lost in your identity. No one has a manual to guide you through any of the obstacles life is going to throw at you, and you need to understand that you don’t need one. All of the great characteristics you built for yourself when you were performing at those highest levels are the same characteristics that will help you build your after-sport identity as well.
So if you find yourself asking the question “What Now?”
It’s whatever you want it to be!
-Kyle Kirkwood
Twitter: @realFOpodcast